Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
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[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?