The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
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When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Anime is real
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?