I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Teach your children to beatbox
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Well, this is awkward
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.