I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.