*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Mouse
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can