Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
A great tip. #CakeRex
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.