5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?