[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
The human personality is made of five key elements
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My favorite type of men is ramen.