ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.