Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.