Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
You Might Also Like
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
what day is it?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.