Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You Might Also Like
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]