My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?