Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
You Might Also Like
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.