I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
You Might Also Like
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
That 👊
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball