Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
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Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My plans: 2020:
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Why font matters.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.