My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast