It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Knock Knock
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.