wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
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What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
accurate
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good