wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
some cats are just doing for fun!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.