My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
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In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke