DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
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Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
No. YOU-buprofen.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
how much for the angry fruit?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.