I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.