Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*