read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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Me too, bag. Me too….
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”