sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
This kinda thing happens to me often
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.