Animal poetry
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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
🍛
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
never compromise your values
My typo game is string.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*