My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄