Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
fair
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit