Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”