31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”