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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.