Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread