One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
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i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
🤯🤯🤯
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Natty or not?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on