her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
You Might Also Like
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Anyone really
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.