When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.