Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet