DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
asking santa clause for nudes
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
no such thing as a dumb question
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day