So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way