Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.