My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!