Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
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I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
🙁