Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home