Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF