Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back