[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving