{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Husband of the year 😂
the red hot silly peppers
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I saw nothing
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.