captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Love this one 😂🧟
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…