ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
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The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡