The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.